Batman can’t beat anybody.

I didn’t think I’d need to write this, but here we are.

First of all, I’d like to state that I’m a huge Batman fan and I think he has the best superhero comics of all time.

I mean, I’ve read a lot of comic books but I’m not (yet) on Ultimate DC/Marvel Content Absorber Jedi level like @stabini. I’m somewhere between the average guy and those nerds, though I consume pretty much all of them (cartoon) movies and series.

So I think I’m in a better position to debunk this myth than the knowledge-less plebeian and the issue release date cramming addicts.

What is this myth I speak of? Well, over the years, due to Batman’s undeniable coolness and apparent readiness for anything, his avid fans have taken to repeatedly exaggerate his abilities. They say mildly silly things like “Spider-man won’t land a hit on Bats” to outrightly blasphemous utterances like “Bats would totally kill Superman, and he’d do it in 5 minutes too”.

Now, the Superman issue gets me really annoyed and I usually refrain from those discussions but I’ll treat it today, albeit lastly.

I’m starting off with Batman himself and his villains, so you’ll get an idea how just how strong he is from his own stories.

Primarily, Batman is just human (Yes, I know, a very smart human being. The world’s greatest detective, whatever. Shut up). Batman gets his back broken, he falls from buildings and needs to call Alfred or Batgirl to get him out of there (after which he proceeds to create something, like a suit or a strategy to beat the bad guy that just thwarted him). Most of Batman’s encounters with bad guys involve him getting a first fight with said villian then going back to his cave to cook up something specifically tailored to conquering that adversary. I mean, it actually HAS to be that way.

Let me give y’all a list of bad guys that have totally kicked his ass:

1. Bane: This nigga broke Bruce’s back. Fucked him up.
2. Deathstroke: Deathstroke #8–9. Bats got his ass handed to him.
3. Shiva: This woman doesn’t have powers. She’s just a better martial artist than bats and the Dark Knight himself has admitted it.
4. Jason Todd: My man decked Joker’s life with a crowbar and then proceed to kick our man who adopted the dark’s buttocks.
5. Mutant Leader (they’re a gang of punks, not actual Mutants): If you haven’t seen or read The Dark Knight Returns, you need to. Batsy had actually defeated the whole gang with his tank-like bat mobile, then decided to go one on one with the leader. Guess who had to be saved by a female Robin after proper ass whooping?
6. Bronze Tiger: Another really good martial artist. “ In a single kick, Bronze Tiger hurts Batman so badly that he can’t even move as an assassin stabs Batwoman and kills her right in front of him. A single kick.”
7. Deacon Blackfire: This evil soul actually captured batman, tortured him into joining his army and Batman ended up killing a dude.
8. The Joker: LMAO. This one has beaten batman more times than both of them can count. At hand to hand combat too. I don’t think anybody would even classify the Joker as a “martial artist”
9. The Reaper: “The Reaper isn’t a well-known villain, although as a concentration camp survivor who kills bad guys, he was pretty interesting. In Detective Comics #575 — the beginning of the Batman: Year Two storyline — Batman first encounters the Reaper and tries to stop him, only to get completely outclassed by the Reaper’s skills and his many, many guns. A bloodied Batman basically ran home with his tail between his legs. Here’s how bad the Reaper kicked Batman’s ass — Batman had to team up with the murderer of his parents, Joe Chill, in order to stop him. It works out, though, because during the fight the Reaper shoots Chill in the head so Batman doesn’t worry about whether he would have taken his only deadly revenge afterwards.”
10. The Talon: Man, the beating was brutal
11. Jonah Hex.

(*Had to go to io9.com to remember some of those)

Now asides from pointing out how many times Bats has chopped brushing, the only super human person in that list is Bane and he’s not THAT strong with the venom in his system. Everybody else there is a regular human being like him.

There is a theme to Batman stories in which Batman loses badly and then he comes back and wins. Because that’s the ONLY way he can win anything.

So let’s visit Batman vs Superhumans,

See ehn, the only argument the blasphemers have is that “Batman is always prepared blah blah blah”, why wasn’t he prepared for normal human bad guys? He’d now be prepared for superhuman, good guys…pfft. Plus, they never fight him seriously and when they do they win.

If any of these guys had the intention of killing Bats, he would have died since.

Even Spidey, my man has spider sense and super human strength. Bats cannot lay a finger on him with regular human speed and if people like Shiva can fuck Batman up with regular human hits, then Spidey needs fewer punches.

Flash would have buried Bats before he reaches for his utility belt.

Green lantern could actually just drop a house on Batman.

Wonder woman has deleted him too.

Man, there are actually very few Justice League members that won’t beat him. And it’s mainly because he’s just human.

I have three things to say about the Superman issue:

1. There was one time Superman thought batman was a bad guy, bruce was hospitalised. Essentially, the man of steel doesn’t fight him seriously.
2. Superman himself has admitted to taking hits just because he can. How else won’t every comic end in one page or cartoon in 30 seconds?
3. Superman is almost as fast as Flash, please don’t tell me anything about Kryptonite inside any stupid utility belt. He can recieve a death punch that would send him from metropolis to his cave before he remembers which pocket he kept the green rock in.

I get that Bats is really cool. I love him. And it’s awesome rooting for the underdog. He’s relatable because he’s human and the idea that a regular human can roll with the superhuman big boys feels great. Y’all just tend to run too wild with it.